Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy 2008!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe that it is 2008-- well, in England, it is.... and an hour ago, I sat watching the fireworks over the Thames, and the Millenium Wheel lit up, and Big Ben.... feeling sad and old, remembering the year I lived there and we welcomed in 1996 at Trafalgar Square. That was such a wonderful time, but this year, there was no-one left there to call.... the people I knew have moved away, or gone back home. :( I just read a book called, "Marley and Me," over Christmas... all about a man's journey with his wonderful Lab, from puppyhood through senior years, and ever since I've been obsessing over how fast time is going, how much I miss the way things used to be and how much the losses over time hurt. I miss London SO much, I miss the friends I had there, I miss my Grandparents, I miss the city I was born in, which is to a great extent unrecognizable, I miss the kids I have taught in the past, I miss my puppy Fluffy, and the kitty I lost just over a year ago. It seems like yesterday she was a kitten, jumping on the furniture... and then I remember the last couple of years where she couldn't even come up the stairs anymore (and I didn't dare carry her up because I was afraid she'd be stuck up there). I cry when I think of her alone on the main floor, when she ALWAYS slept with me as a young kitten. And now I am facing a similar situation with my older cat who's left.... she is now 11, and no longer jumping up on the tops of doors or on top of cabinets like she used to. She is still doing well (jumps on the kitchen island, the dresser, and even into the refrigerator if it's left open long enough), but I keep thinking how fast time goes and how soon she will not be. :(

Mostly, I'm worried about my mom. She has begun talking about not being here again, and the pain is obviously getting worse.... more and more frequently, she is having trouble breathing, too. I can't imagine not being able to pick up the phone and talk to her on the way home from work, or not e-mail her, or not having the little 'care' packages she still sends, or having a place to go 'home' to where she is. She has been the rock that held our family together ever since I was young. I know SHE worries about not being able to take care of herself anymore and what will happen when/if she can't. I can't imagine seeing her in a nursing home. Now, I'm starting to worry about ME growing older... I don't feel young anymore and worry about the future. And every holiday just reminds me more of all of the above. The future doesn't seem to be good anymore.

Anyway, enough drowning in being maudlin. I will write more about Christmas tomorrow.

Meanwhile, may everyone have a joyous, happy and healthy New Year!

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